Here's my new article about dealing with rejection for poets. It's on the Seren Blog site today:
Dealing With Rejection and Disappointment
Disappointment seems such a casual word for something that can haunt us. It is not like missing a party; disappointment can leave scars that hamper motivation and confidence and turn to destructive envy. Perhaps parents disappointed us, or we were told we were a constant disappointment by a parent or teacher, a painful label to overcome.
It’s both interesting and useful to observe the process. I did this recently after devoting a year to putting together a collection and it was turned down several times. First came the sinking feeling that usually plugs into a history of previous publishing rejections. In my case, it went right back to an acting career inevitably fraught with rejection and disappointment, the last of which pretty much ended my career. I watched my ego dance about, trying to settle. Having received encouragement and gained enough self-belief to risk submitting, rejection made me question if I was deluding myself into thinking I am good enough. I also noted a nuance of shame in admitting failure and imagining others would think less of me.
I know this is a common reaction and am familiar with counter arguments – “It’s nothing to do with the quality of your work, it’s about personal preferences, the right fit with the right person, at that time etc.” However, the process still has to be gone through and surmounted. We practise letting go, breathing and reminding ourselves of its unimportance in the wider scheme of things, but we still need to process the feelings. I felt my energetic body contract, as my ego shrank, withdrawing inside a protective shell.
Each time it gets harder to surmount our resistance and risk putting ourselves out there again. This is what we do, we shrink inside, vowing never to expose ourselves again. Creativity is a wonderful gift, but putting it out there is fraught with risk and rejection. Renowned authors have had work turned down numerous times before finding success. It is similar with relationships. Each time our heart is broken, or our relationship fails, the harder it is to open to another. We grow more guarded, less trusting. Perhaps childhood laid the ground with someone repeatedly letting us down, or being absent.
A rebellious stance can help, with an, “I’ll prove them all wrong” attitude. People in many walks of life demonstrate how dogged determination can overcome setbacks. For example, how those who suffer disability or injury work their way back to a meaningful life, or even become Olympic champions. We can get stuck in feeling sorry for ourselves and resent what life and others have done to us.
We can miss the opportunity of healing the past, by forcing ourselves into a brave face attitude, whilst not dealing with our feelings. The trouble is that repeating our reactions creates solid patterns and turns them into expectations. In other words, we tend to anticipate rejection before the MS hits the publisher’s inbox. To retain hope while hampered by expectations of failure, makes it even harder. We may also develop a sabotage sub-personality, who hampers our attempts in sneaky ways. We forget to press send, send an outdated version “by mistake”, or “forget” the submission deadline date.
In terms of my own journey, I struggled with feelings of envy when reading about other people’s success. I decided this was no longer acceptable, that I’d far rather feel joy and celebrate their achievement, instead of comparing it to my own. I gave myself a good talking to and it seemed to work, but it wasn’t until I acknowledged the envy and how it no longer reflected who I am, that it changed. I felt freed from something I’d struggled with for years and was glad to be wholeheartedly happy for others.
My collection, You’ll Never Be Anyone Else, is about overcoming obstacles to self-acceptance, especially in terms of ‘otherness’, of being different from the accepted norm. Voices of those who have experienced prejudice and marginalisation, are singing loudly these days. Poets are using their talents in new and inspiring ways, to create better understanding about so many aspects of difference: history, prejudice or abuse. Readings are met with choruses of recognition from those who identify with the themes.
The rejected collection I referred to at the beginning was in fact, You’ll Never Be Anyone Else. The news that it had been accepted for publication by Seren, was news that finally allowed me to rip up and lay to rest a lifetime script of disappointment. I was in disbelief the day I heard and it has challenged me to adjust my self-perception. I also know that I could not have written much of it without the inspiration and courage of so many others, who have broken through entrenched barriers of what was considered “important” poetry. Creativity belongs to the territory of difference, of originality and the ground-breaking, those who will always find new and unique ways to express themselves.
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